DECEMBER 11, 2008 6:57PM
Rate: 4
Try telling people that you hate telephones. Yes, cell phones too. They look at you with pity. Some look at you with horror. And some people agree and keep chatting away on their cells all the while nodding their heads.
At least with a landline most times you can hear the other person. But while cell phones have their issues, I think most landline telephones are an outdated and rude device.
I order take-out online. I email to arrange a dry cleaning pick-up. I email for a USPS pick-up. I email the Doctor and get prescriptions sent to the pharmacy. I order refills online. I shop online. I have ordered groceries online. I can order Lulu and Phoebe toys, food, and clothes (yes, clothes) online. I set up appliance repairs online. I do banking online. I checked my voter registration online. Good thing because they lost me in the crapper. I renew my car registration online. I haven’t been in a DMV in years. If I could get my teeth fixed online, I would. The only person I have to call is my housecleaner because although she has a website, it is only a façade and she doesn’t know how to reply to the “contact me” emails. I learned that the hard way.
In turn, I really really hate having to pick up the phone and call someone. It usually requires a ready-set-go mentality. I know that sounds awfully strange, almost phobic. But rest assured, when in the company of live humans I can talk as much as the next person. I just hate telephones. Always have.
I work at home. Needless to say, sometimes my actual eyeball-to-eyeball contact with other human beings is limited for days at a time to an internet connection. I rarely answer the phone. I just prefer to hear what little you actually have to say through email if I can And oddly, my past jobs used to require me to make lots of phone calls. I delegated when I could, and mustered up the ready-set-go to do the calls I had to make myself. And not a chance the person on the other end ever knew the prelude to that call. I sounded like a person who called people on the phone all day long. I got the job done.
Telephones are relatively mundane. They sit there until they make a heap of noise and scare the stuffing right out of you. The ringing is jarring. And if you were napping, it is the worst kind of alarm clock. I don’t know about you, but the phone will always ring on the day that I really need a nap and will ring about 1.5 minutes into a deep sleep and that is the end of the nap. And the end of my last freaking nerve.
And you know who was on the other end of the leash they call a telephone cord? No one! Not a human at all. Just a robo voice telling me: clean my carpets because they must be filthy by now (um, I have hardwood floors), or buy our phone service because it would never ever wake you from a nap, or even better, one of our representatives with a pretaped happy holiday message.
A note would do. For any of those! Sure, they would go into the spam folder or the recycle bin most likely, but at least I would appreciate the effort they made to not bother me by using the annoying phone.
And this time of year, the phone will usually ring with the typical requests for donations, to sell us something we don’t need, or just threw out, or sold on ebay. And my favorite of all is the long lost relative calling to wish us a happy holiday. Wait. Let me get a pen so you can spell your name for me. I don’t even know how you are related, let alone recognize your name. And you want us to contribute to Grandma Daisy’s present? I don’t have a Grandma Daisy.
And before you ask, yes. I have caller ID. But who cares? Most sales callers are getting smart and use numbers that look like real people. .
And what do you know? The phone is ringing. Right now. As I am writing this. It is a friend I don’t often talk to (caller ID!). But watch. I am answering. And since I recognize the number I answer with:
“Hello honey!” (We’ve known each other forever so honey is acceptable)
“Oh sweetie. Where have you been? I’ve been thinking about you for days and days wondering if everything is ok. I’m so swamped with my life, blah blah blah blah blah, I. I. I. I, blah blah blah. Did you hear me? How are you?” Small breath. “I, blah blah blah blah blah. I just had to call while I was driving (cell phone, crackle crackle) blah, blah, because you are so important to me. I mean. I. I. I. I know you are fine. You always are. So guess what I am doing? I. blah blah.”
Me. “Well, I’m….”
Friend. “Wait. Hold on.” (Background cell noise and voices: geez, she’s ordering food?!)
Friend. “I’m back. Miss me? Oh good. Did I tell you about my blah blah blah blah blah? I want to tell you how much I blah blah blah. Oops, hahaha, you talk so much. Gotta go. Love you. Love me. Love me more. Bye.”
“Uh, ok. Bye.” Unfortunately, I said adios to a dial tone.
There you go. This one little conversation is enough to remind me why I never, ever want to talk on the phone again. So send me an email please. That way I can delete it before I have to read all about you for the 180th time. I will send back a note telling you how much I enjoyed your note. I really did. I am glad you wrote and I am glad to know you still love you more than you love anything else.
Um, perhaps I ought to ask Santa for a couple more spare-back-up friends?
Seriously. I pay $65 a month to have a phone that I never use or want to use. Maybe that money would be better spent on, oh, say, chocolate?
.
At least with a landline most times you can hear the other person. But while cell phones have their issues, I think most landline telephones are an outdated and rude device.
I order take-out online. I email to arrange a dry cleaning pick-up. I email for a USPS pick-up. I email the Doctor and get prescriptions sent to the pharmacy. I order refills online. I shop online. I have ordered groceries online. I can order Lulu and Phoebe toys, food, and clothes (yes, clothes) online. I set up appliance repairs online. I do banking online. I checked my voter registration online. Good thing because they lost me in the crapper. I renew my car registration online. I haven’t been in a DMV in years. If I could get my teeth fixed online, I would. The only person I have to call is my housecleaner because although she has a website, it is only a façade and she doesn’t know how to reply to the “contact me” emails. I learned that the hard way.
In turn, I really really hate having to pick up the phone and call someone. It usually requires a ready-set-go mentality. I know that sounds awfully strange, almost phobic. But rest assured, when in the company of live humans I can talk as much as the next person. I just hate telephones. Always have.
I work at home. Needless to say, sometimes my actual eyeball-to-eyeball contact with other human beings is limited for days at a time to an internet connection. I rarely answer the phone. I just prefer to hear what little you actually have to say through email if I can And oddly, my past jobs used to require me to make lots of phone calls. I delegated when I could, and mustered up the ready-set-go to do the calls I had to make myself. And not a chance the person on the other end ever knew the prelude to that call. I sounded like a person who called people on the phone all day long. I got the job done.
Telephones are relatively mundane. They sit there until they make a heap of noise and scare the stuffing right out of you. The ringing is jarring. And if you were napping, it is the worst kind of alarm clock. I don’t know about you, but the phone will always ring on the day that I really need a nap and will ring about 1.5 minutes into a deep sleep and that is the end of the nap. And the end of my last freaking nerve.
And you know who was on the other end of the leash they call a telephone cord? No one! Not a human at all. Just a robo voice telling me: clean my carpets because they must be filthy by now (um, I have hardwood floors), or buy our phone service because it would never ever wake you from a nap, or even better, one of our representatives with a pretaped happy holiday message.
A note would do. For any of those! Sure, they would go into the spam folder or the recycle bin most likely, but at least I would appreciate the effort they made to not bother me by using the annoying phone.
And this time of year, the phone will usually ring with the typical requests for donations, to sell us something we don’t need, or just threw out, or sold on ebay. And my favorite of all is the long lost relative calling to wish us a happy holiday. Wait. Let me get a pen so you can spell your name for me. I don’t even know how you are related, let alone recognize your name. And you want us to contribute to Grandma Daisy’s present? I don’t have a Grandma Daisy.
And before you ask, yes. I have caller ID. But who cares? Most sales callers are getting smart and use numbers that look like real people. .
And what do you know? The phone is ringing. Right now. As I am writing this. It is a friend I don’t often talk to (caller ID!). But watch. I am answering. And since I recognize the number I answer with:
“Hello honey!” (We’ve known each other forever so honey is acceptable)
“Oh sweetie. Where have you been? I’ve been thinking about you for days and days wondering if everything is ok. I’m so swamped with my life, blah blah blah blah blah, I. I. I. I, blah blah blah. Did you hear me? How are you?” Small breath. “I, blah blah blah blah blah. I just had to call while I was driving (cell phone, crackle crackle) blah, blah, because you are so important to me. I mean. I. I. I. I know you are fine. You always are. So guess what I am doing? I. blah blah.”
Me. “Well, I’m….”
Friend. “Wait. Hold on.” (Background cell noise and voices: geez, she’s ordering food?!)
Friend. “I’m back. Miss me? Oh good. Did I tell you about my blah blah blah blah blah? I want to tell you how much I blah blah blah. Oops, hahaha, you talk so much. Gotta go. Love you. Love me. Love me more. Bye.”
“Uh, ok. Bye.” Unfortunately, I said adios to a dial tone.
There you go. This one little conversation is enough to remind me why I never, ever want to talk on the phone again. So send me an email please. That way I can delete it before I have to read all about you for the 180th time. I will send back a note telling you how much I enjoyed your note. I really did. I am glad you wrote and I am glad to know you still love you more than you love anything else.
Um, perhaps I ought to ask Santa for a couple more spare-back-up friends?
Seriously. I pay $65 a month to have a phone that I never use or want to use. Maybe that money would be better spent on, oh, say, chocolate?
.
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Comments
that explains a lot......I only called to find out about wine! :) The Geek answered for me...And boy was it good mac and cheese! :)
I can't stand talking on the phone - cell or otherwise - either. I always tell people if they're going to talk to me for longer than ten minutes, they should just come over. What really gets me is the number of people who call me while doing something else (like ordering food, driving, hanging out with other people, and even going to the bathroom!) and then expect me to hold while they deal with whatever/whomever. Rude rude rude! And you're right. Does anyone ever call to see how YOU are? No. They only call to talk about themselves or to sell you something. The phone is an intrusion. Who needs it! Thanks for letting me rant away on your blog. :)
I agree!!!!!! I only read 2 sentences and hate to rate you because I agree wholeheartedly. I have hated telephones all my life and cell phones are a work of evil...So many people talk to me in the bathroom now...and I don't even know them. I mean one minute, I'm doing my own thing and a stranger next to me says, "Hey. Whatcha doin'?"
One day...I'm going to tell them.
One day...I'm going to tell them.
Ahemmm, ZZ boys mom. It wasn't about you. But it might have been. kidding. email. text. ask the wine person at the store.
Lisa - I seriously am beginning to think we are related. This same friend will also use the bathroom while chatting. Nothing like someone saying, "hold on. I'm wiping.....ok, back" EEEWWWWW.
JRDOG, thanks!
Lisa - I seriously am beginning to think we are related. This same friend will also use the bathroom while chatting. Nothing like someone saying, "hold on. I'm wiping.....ok, back" EEEWWWWW.
JRDOG, thanks!
boy the feed is hungry tonight. bump.
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