Editor's Pick
JULY 7, 2009 2:14PM
Rate: 30
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Princes Michael & Paris (SF Examiner)
But once in a while, an 11 year old is confronted with the facts of mortality in a brutal way, and their life is forever altered. When I was that age, my mother died not long after suffering an early morning heart attack. I was the one who called the ambulance, but it didn't matter because she died anyway and I never saw her again. Not in the ER, not for a viewing. Things didn't work that way back then for kids. They thought they were protecting me, but they were not.
At least, it is reported that MJ's children saw him in the ER.
To lose a parent suddenly at that age, alters the universe. It is the same for every kid. They will feel to blame. They will feel abandoned. They will feel helpless. They will face the issue of mortality ill equipped to understand the firm complexities of the finality of death. Especially the death of the care-taking parent.
They are frightened in a way that adults often miss. That fright simmers in their core, afraid that they might be a beacon for bad things. They begin to watch the world with a wary eye, sure that they are the reason for all things bad.
The interceding actions of adults vary.
There are adults who step up and let the kid talk it through, helping them navigate some of the trauma manifesting deep inside. Those are the adults who are heroes to these children. They are rock steady, full of acceptance, and can be a safe haven for all things nightmarish. I hope, but doubt that the two Princes MJ and Paris have this kind of adult in their lives, but perhaps someone will step up. Perhaps.
Other adults assume that children can't comprehend the complexity of death, so it is better to pretend it doesn't exist. They don't talk about it. Ever. Pretty much that amounts to the dead parent disappearing as though it was a fluke they were ever there to begin with. That attitude only makes the child a little bit crazy. They keep it all inside and the castle of dreams starts to take over. They manifest a pretend world that incorporates the parent in a fantasy land fit for living out a life, happily ever after with the child. When the real world and fantasy collide at some point, they kid will be another victim.
There is MJ the pop guy. And there is MJ, the dad. The fact that through most of their childhood he was not performing probably factors into why there are two different MJ's being mourned. The children are mourning their dad while the world (and his greater family and friends) mourn MJ the pop singer. If someone doesn't step up and help them cope with losing their dad v. the pop singer, indeed, they will suffer unnecessarily.
And last, there are the weird adults who emerge from the woodwork. These are the adults who in the normal world, with the parent alive, would not be left in the same room with the kid. These are not necessarily predators, but they can be. They also can be just plain greedy, needy, or stupid. Some want to impress the child with their immaturity and be a pal. Others want something that they child has, like money, or access to the larger family, or just the child.
I came across a couple of these in the early days after my mom died. A couple of odd relatives showed up, people I had never met though they lived nearby. One hung out in my room with me and talked to me like he was my age, yet he had to have been in his 30's. The other wanted to know more personal stuff than even my mother would ask. Fortunately I was not a total idiot at that age. When the first weirdo asked me to go to the "zoo" with him for the day, I declined.
I hope that the Princes and Paris do not have these people in their lives, but I fear that they do. I can only hope that whoever is their guardian, whether it is MJ's mother, Diana Ross, or Debbie Rowe, that they act like mama birds and fiercely protect these kids. There is too much money involved for people to not get greedy.
Personally, I don't give a rat's patootie about the memorial or tributes to Michael Jackson. Nor do I wish him any ill will either. But my thoughts and heart go out to those three children who lost their dad. Godspeed little children.
Comments
Well said LL&P and God bless those three kids and may they be kept away from Grandpa Joe.
Rated
Rated
Very well said. And I too, feel sorry for those children. It must be so bewildering and hard for them, right now. I do hope their grandma will look out for them and do her best to protect them.
Luland, what a traumatic experience you went through at such a tender age! My mother lost her mother when she was 11. Her mother went into the hospital and died one month later. My mother was never allowed to see her during that time. Your compassion and own experience and your thoughts about the children of Michael Jackson are wise. Thank you for this post and using your own loss to add such valuable perspective.
Barf. It is not that I do not have sympathy for any child who loses a parent young -- but why is this on the home page??? I am sure the fact that they now own the fucking Beatles catalog ill make things a tad easier.
Sorry for your loss and trauma. Compassion for all, even privileged children of famous parents, is important when dealing with death. It is a great leveler.
Thank you Blue. I hope so too.
Shiral - I hope grandma is really protective of them too.
mtk - thanks. was thinking about what the kids must be feeling today. It will be a long road ahead for them to deal with this. That spotlight can be blinding.
lia-anne - It isn't about money or fame. It is about the needs of children.
Thank you Lea.It is a great leveler, isn't it? It merely reminds us that this is not all about MJ, but more about those kids.
Shiral - I hope grandma is really protective of them too.
mtk - thanks. was thinking about what the kids must be feeling today. It will be a long road ahead for them to deal with this. That spotlight can be blinding.
lia-anne - It isn't about money or fame. It is about the needs of children.
Thank you Lea.It is a great leveler, isn't it? It merely reminds us that this is not all about MJ, but more about those kids.
Thank you for putting things in perspective. There's been almost no talk about the children, though they are the most important "issue" now. Great post.
Rated.
Well expressed, LL&P... rated and I also hope they will be protected.
I re-read this thinking perhaps I had been far too hard. Especially - as the more that I thought about this, I remembered a sobering (no pun intended) fact. When I was in rehab, for heroin, I noticed that more then 80% of people there had lost one or both parents at an early age. I realized I also failed to express to the author of this piece - that I am very, very sorry for the tragic the loss of her Mum at such an early age.
However -- and perhaps I can state this more eloquently then, "Barf," I just do not find this article worthy of an "Editor's Pick." Yes the kids will have it hard, emotionally. But they are going to have it much, much easier then 99% of peers similar situations. These are incredibly advantaged children -- who unlike other children -- who in their situation would have to go to FOSTER CARE -- now OWN THE BEATLE"S CATALOG!!! Please -- I am not saying sympathy for their loss is undeserved. But how many young children out there are in for a living hell? From the comfort and love of their parents hone's and hearts to strange relatives or awful Foster Care facilities? I know my opinion is an unpopular one -- but I found an outpouring of concern and sympathy for these kids--probably three of THE MOST privileged children on this Globe -- really unnecessary (and almost offensive...) Just more indicative of the twisted times that we live in --- one in which, the "Cult of Personality," is all -- and real problems, homeless children are forgotten.
However -- and perhaps I can state this more eloquently then, "Barf," I just do not find this article worthy of an "Editor's Pick." Yes the kids will have it hard, emotionally. But they are going to have it much, much easier then 99% of peers similar situations. These are incredibly advantaged children -- who unlike other children -- who in their situation would have to go to FOSTER CARE -- now OWN THE BEATLE"S CATALOG!!! Please -- I am not saying sympathy for their loss is undeserved. But how many young children out there are in for a living hell? From the comfort and love of their parents hone's and hearts to strange relatives or awful Foster Care facilities? I know my opinion is an unpopular one -- but I found an outpouring of concern and sympathy for these kids--probably three of THE MOST privileged children on this Globe -- really unnecessary (and almost offensive...) Just more indicative of the twisted times that we live in --- one in which, the "Cult of Personality," is all -- and real problems, homeless children are forgotten.
My father died when I was 11, and like you, I was thinking of the children during the service. A couple of things your excellent post didn't mention: The realization of mortality when you're a child sets you apart from other children (though that's probably been the case for the Jackson children all their lives). Also, unfortunately, memories fade, and you start to remember your parent through stories other people tell. I wish someone in the family would sit the older kids in front of a diary, a scrapbook or a video camera and have them describe their most precious memories of their dad -- just for their own sakes later, not for any tell-all book or interview.
Steve - always good to see you. thanks for your thoughts. the kids are what matters now for sure.
Nelly - thank you. and thanks for coming by.
annette- thank you, and I hope so too.
lia- anne - yes, there are children in dire circumstances all over the world, and these three kids will have a substantial trust fund. I understand your point. but again, it isn't about money, it just is about these three on the day they say goodbye to their father.
Roch - both really good points. I remember that too. I was the kid who was different too after losing my mom. It does make you different and different is not always a good place to be for little kids. And yeah, memories fade. I learned a lot about my mom from her friends, but remember little myself. It would be nice if they did that because the public persona will eventually override the personal one as time goes by (for the kids). Thanks for your thoughts and thanks for coming by.
Nelly - thank you. and thanks for coming by.
annette- thank you, and I hope so too.
lia- anne - yes, there are children in dire circumstances all over the world, and these three kids will have a substantial trust fund. I understand your point. but again, it isn't about money, it just is about these three on the day they say goodbye to their father.
Roch - both really good points. I remember that too. I was the kid who was different too after losing my mom. It does make you different and different is not always a good place to be for little kids. And yeah, memories fade. I learned a lot about my mom from her friends, but remember little myself. It would be nice if they did that because the public persona will eventually override the personal one as time goes by (for the kids). Thanks for your thoughts and thanks for coming by.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for these children's loss. I didn't watch the memorial, but I hear his daughter spoke. I don't have an opinion on who Michael Jackson was as a person, but the one thing that has always been crystal clear is that he wanted his children to have the exact opposite childhood that he had. I don't think the public ever saw their faces during his lifetime. Now I've seen several pictures, and his daughter has spoken publicly. Over a decade of flawlessly fierce protection; gone in less than two weeks. So all I can think is that their protector is gone and nobody else is going to take over.
lia-anne, compassion is a renewable resource. Showing it to Michael Jackson's children does not deprive anyone else of it. I won't deny that, in theory, I would love to have their wealth. But I can't see that it helped their father be a better or happier person.
lia-anne, compassion is a renewable resource. Showing it to Michael Jackson's children does not deprive anyone else of it. I won't deny that, in theory, I would love to have their wealth. But I can't see that it helped their father be a better or happier person.
I lost my Mama when I was 10. For me, the part of the memorial that struck my gut the most was Paris talking about her "Daddy".
You said a mouth full here, sister.
You said a mouth full here, sister.
Your compassion for those children no doubt comes from a place of great pain for you as a child. I hope that someone can help those kids navigate MJ's passing. They're the real tragedy in all of this.
lia-anne, that was one very nasty thing to say. The way I understand it, the said catalogue is heavily mortgaged, but that is beyond the point. It is very painful to lose a parent you love at any age or money situation. I would not wish it even on you.
You make some excellent points. When my brother died we made sure she could have some sort of closure by seeing her father, surrounded by people who love her.
I'm sorry for your loss, it is something no child should have to go through,
I'm sorry for your loss, it is something no child should have to go through,
You are so right, it alters the Universe. My mother's mother died when my mom was 8 yrs old. It was the depression and her father put all 4 children in a Catholic Orphanage. They were there all through grade school and then were farmed out to families during high school where they became maids or nannies. Immediately after high school, they were on their own.
My mother was sure she was going to die young, but she lived until she was 86. Her experience impacted my sisters and me in ways I cannot begin to explain, good and bad. My heart goes out to MJ's children and any child whose parents die too soon.
My mother was sure she was going to die young, but she lived until she was 86. Her experience impacted my sisters and me in ways I cannot begin to explain, good and bad. My heart goes out to MJ's children and any child whose parents die too soon.
My father's father, a French-Canadian immigrant shopkeeper and (according to my father) genial bon vivant, died of cirrhosis of the liver when my father was 11 years old. Shortly afterwards, my father began to act out -- drinking and smoking and getting into fights. My grandmother, a very devout Catholic, put my father into a strict boarding school run by the Brothers of the Sacred Heart, where Dad ultimately lost his faith in organized religion (and according to Mom, was possibly molested there).
I had long wondered why my parents (unhappily married for 30 years after a shotgun wedding in which I was the reason for their haste: they are now divorced and neither has remarried) had been attracted to each other, since they have so little in common. But when I was in therapy a few years ago, my therapist noticed that both my parents had suffered losses in childhood (my mother's only brother died in an accident when she was eight and he was 10 years old -- considering that their bereavements were during the late 1940s-early 1950s in the USA, it took some doing for two survivors of childhood loss to meet and connect with each other over a decade later).
Anyway, the premature death of my grandfather blighted my father's life, and therefore, to some extent, the lives of my brothers and me (even though my grandfather died 15 years before I was born). I hope and pray that the death of Michael Jackson does not have the same deleterious effect on his children and even on grandchildren who may not be born for decades to come.
I had long wondered why my parents (unhappily married for 30 years after a shotgun wedding in which I was the reason for their haste: they are now divorced and neither has remarried) had been attracted to each other, since they have so little in common. But when I was in therapy a few years ago, my therapist noticed that both my parents had suffered losses in childhood (my mother's only brother died in an accident when she was eight and he was 10 years old -- considering that their bereavements were during the late 1940s-early 1950s in the USA, it took some doing for two survivors of childhood loss to meet and connect with each other over a decade later).
Anyway, the premature death of my grandfather blighted my father's life, and therefore, to some extent, the lives of my brothers and me (even though my grandfather died 15 years before I was born). I hope and pray that the death of Michael Jackson does not have the same deleterious effect on his children and even on grandchildren who may not be born for decades to come.
red lantern - thank you. well said.
yekdeli- yep, you do know what I mean.
Lisa - thanks kiddo. me too.
snowball99 - thank you. much appreciated.
Buffy - glad the adults were thinking about the kid! always good to hear. thank you.
MAWB- wow. that is some story. how sad for those children. thank you for sharing that.
ame - I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing that. so well said.
Diamantina - that certainly seems to happen more frequently than we know (I am guessing). great insight.
yekdeli- yep, you do know what I mean.
Lisa - thanks kiddo. me too.
snowball99 - thank you. much appreciated.
Buffy - glad the adults were thinking about the kid! always good to hear. thank you.
MAWB- wow. that is some story. how sad for those children. thank you for sharing that.
ame - I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing that. so well said.
Diamantina - that certainly seems to happen more frequently than we know (I am guessing). great insight.
GREAT post and amen! rated and shared with my friends on Facebook
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