Editor's Pick
MARCH 26, 2009 12:53PM
Rate: 17
"If possible, make a U-turn."
Pause.
"If possible make a U-turn."
Pause. Clearly, an audible sigh.
"If POSSIBLE MAKE A U-TURN. YOU MORON!"
That would be my navigation system yelling at me in perfect British- Jeeves.
Of course if I made a u-turn right then, I would probably be quite dead. That particular u-turn would have been on highway 101, an eight lane raceway.
Since I am on the other side of reality and common sense when I trust navigation to a 4 year old CD and a 10 year old car, I should know that it will surprise me now and again with something rather stupid. But like a good obedient citizen, I do try to comply and follow direction, probably by reflex more than common sense. And when I do, I always get into trouble.
I know that there is a Target somewhat nearby, but since this is a big new neighborhood and unfamiliar at that, I thought I would ask the British-Jeeves for some assistance. I should have known better.
With all the construction going on it was inevitable that Jeeves would try something sinister and he didn't disappoint. We took a tour of the one-way loop called Mineta San Jose airport, totally under construction. Twice. I can happily report that the newly built airport is going swimmingly well. I haven't been there in quite some time and I wasn't planning on it today either.
Next, Jeeves had me merge onto a highway where a regular road once lived. Fortunately it was a cloverleaf so I could turn around without having to travel to another city first. Jeeves was insistent that the highway was just a road.
He argued with me to do that crazy u-turn until he was yelling. I was tempted to hit the button and turn him into stoney silence, but I was still going to need his direction once I got off that highway.
Turns out, not so much. Jeeves let me down again, and told me to exit right back into the airport. At that rate, I should have been able to get a frequent driving miles and an upgrade. Enough already. I'd seen the place twice and was not doing that loop again. Especially since I got caught behind one of those water spraying trucks that go 1MPH while they wet the construction dirt on a single lane zone. 50 cars were caught behind me shaking fingers and honking horns. Perhaps a few of their own navigation systems decided it was a good day to tour the airport construction too?
We finally got to Target, a true 10 minute drive that took us over an hour because we were so busy sightseeing. I do believe there is a function on there that will let me turn British-Jeeves into British-Janice. I bet Janice would never tell me to make a u-turn without first asking if we should stop at the gas station for directions.
Pause.
"If possible make a U-turn."
Pause. Clearly, an audible sigh.
"If POSSIBLE MAKE A U-TURN. YOU MORON!"
That would be my navigation system yelling at me in perfect British- Jeeves.
Of course if I made a u-turn right then, I would probably be quite dead. That particular u-turn would have been on highway 101, an eight lane raceway.
Since I am on the other side of reality and common sense when I trust navigation to a 4 year old CD and a 10 year old car, I should know that it will surprise me now and again with something rather stupid. But like a good obedient citizen, I do try to comply and follow direction, probably by reflex more than common sense. And when I do, I always get into trouble.
I know that there is a Target somewhat nearby, but since this is a big new neighborhood and unfamiliar at that, I thought I would ask the British-Jeeves for some assistance. I should have known better.
With all the construction going on it was inevitable that Jeeves would try something sinister and he didn't disappoint. We took a tour of the one-way loop called Mineta San Jose airport, totally under construction. Twice. I can happily report that the newly built airport is going swimmingly well. I haven't been there in quite some time and I wasn't planning on it today either.
Next, Jeeves had me merge onto a highway where a regular road once lived. Fortunately it was a cloverleaf so I could turn around without having to travel to another city first. Jeeves was insistent that the highway was just a road.
He argued with me to do that crazy u-turn until he was yelling. I was tempted to hit the button and turn him into stoney silence, but I was still going to need his direction once I got off that highway.
Turns out, not so much. Jeeves let me down again, and told me to exit right back into the airport. At that rate, I should have been able to get a frequent driving miles and an upgrade. Enough already. I'd seen the place twice and was not doing that loop again. Especially since I got caught behind one of those water spraying trucks that go 1MPH while they wet the construction dirt on a single lane zone. 50 cars were caught behind me shaking fingers and honking horns. Perhaps a few of their own navigation systems decided it was a good day to tour the airport construction too?
We finally got to Target, a true 10 minute drive that took us over an hour because we were so busy sightseeing. I do believe there is a function on there that will let me turn British-Jeeves into British-Janice. I bet Janice would never tell me to make a u-turn without first asking if we should stop at the gas station for directions.
Comments
I dunno about British Janice giving better directions... I have Austin Powers guiding me and he SUCKS too. Maybe we should give up on the Brits trying to navigate in the US?
I heard a Jeeves in a friend's car once. It was insane, the things he wanted the driver to do. I swear they're all cousins of Hal.
The GPS voices and I are not friends. We had Brit-Jan. set up for a recent trip to Houston. She sent us the slowest possible way and shouted at us regularly until we got sick of her and turned her off.
I'm so glad I just check on Map Quest...
Perhaps Jeeves is using you as his taxi driver ... he might be looking to skip town (all that airport sightseeing) ... I'd definitely keep an eye on him!
crayons - good point! have you ever asked a Brit for directions? I really should know better.
Mumbletypeg - at least distant relatives of Hal for sure. But can you imagine Hal with a British accent? Hummm.....
Jess - Ours has four settings, highways, least use of highways, travel time, and do you have all month? I wonder if I left it on that setting? They can be annoying!
bluesurly - Mapquest=good. Jeeves=ohoh.
1IM - hehehe. Could be. I bet he is angry with us for parking him in a communal garage now v. his very own garage. Hanging out among the commoners so to speak. However, if he keeps being an idiot, I will buy him a ticket and toss his GPS face onto the pavement the next time he directs me to said airport. At least it wasn't SFO. I would still be there, looping over and over.
Mumbletypeg - at least distant relatives of Hal for sure. But can you imagine Hal with a British accent? Hummm.....
Jess - Ours has four settings, highways, least use of highways, travel time, and do you have all month? I wonder if I left it on that setting? They can be annoying!
bluesurly - Mapquest=good. Jeeves=ohoh.
1IM - hehehe. Could be. I bet he is angry with us for parking him in a communal garage now v. his very own garage. Hanging out among the commoners so to speak. However, if he keeps being an idiot, I will buy him a ticket and toss his GPS face onto the pavement the next time he directs me to said airport. At least it wasn't SFO. I would still be there, looping over and over.
Holy smokes, have you moved to the Peninsula???
As for Jeeves, I hope he's aware we drive on the right over here. A map sounds a lot simpler, so long as the reading glasses are handy.
As for Jeeves, I hope he's aware we drive on the right over here. A map sounds a lot simpler, so long as the reading glasses are handy.
LnL - actually, we moved from the Peninsula to the bottom of the bay near the flats. Like a whole new world even 15 minutes away from the old land!
I've always wanted to customize those voices, I would really like to hear Homer Simpson go D'oh! when I don't do what he says ;) And so right about Janice! Loved this -
I so relate, call mine Jagger. He is now on mute. Jan sucked too, she was my Jagger predecessor.
The word I love to hate : "Recalculating."
Oh yes, OESheepdog hit the one that gets me too. I *swear* it gets a snotty tone when it says "recalculating..."
Great post! My GPS got me lost in a brand new housing development one time when I was already late to a meeting. I have no sense of direction, so usually the thing is a gift from heaven, but every now and then I just want to chuck it out the window and run over it.
Great post! My GPS got me lost in a brand new housing development one time when I was already late to a meeting. I have no sense of direction, so usually the thing is a gift from heaven, but every now and then I just want to chuck it out the window and run over it.
Thank you for this post!
Someday I swear I will upset the GPS system in my work vehicle until the Crazy Dame In The Box gives up "Calculating Route" and just yells at me, "Fine! If you don't want to listen to me, you just get yourself lost! But when you're lost and alone and in the wrong neighborhood, don't you come crying to me!"
Just once I want her to loose her cool.
Someday I swear I will upset the GPS system in my work vehicle until the Crazy Dame In The Box gives up "Calculating Route" and just yells at me, "Fine! If you don't want to listen to me, you just get yourself lost! But when you're lost and alone and in the wrong neighborhood, don't you come crying to me!"
Just once I want her to loose her cool.
Love the audible sigh. I swear I can hear my nav system grumbling about me too sometimes. Too funny.
Mine is named "Gladys" after the demon at the DMV in Reaper.
::Place the vessel on the mat!::
(thumbified for really bad directions)
::Place the vessel on the mat!::
(thumbified for really bad directions)
Hysterical! We had to use a garmin from LAX to Palm Springs and all that week. My husband would yell at her and I'd BEG him not to piss her off, who knew what lake she would throw us in? Rated.
This is why we don't own a GPS lol My aunt has one and it was funny watching them fight for a few minutes, but it's not something I want to deal with!
I think it's more sinister than that... British Jeeves is trying to kill you... not with fiery death, but with aggravation behind the wheel as you inch through an airport behind a water sprinkler truck.
Wincing in sympathy for the traffic and GPS woes, but laughing all the same. =o)
Wincing in sympathy for the traffic and GPS woes, but laughing all the same. =o)
While in Germany, used the German one. You think the Brit was scary.
If you have a Tom-Tom, you can download a ton of voices. If you're willing to get your directions in Russian, you can download several politicians (not, I think Putin).
I love my Tom-tom. You have to pay attention to where it thinks you want to go. (My husband has programmed in Leningradsky and picked Leningradsky Prospekt, not Leningradsky Shosse, which isn't as bad as confusing Leninsky for Leningradsky.)
Navigators really shine in foreign countries or places where the signage is bad (downtown Cambridge or Boston) or on ring roads where they don't put North or South, such as London's M25 or Moscow's MKAD, or where most signs do not have the Latin spelling or all the towns seem to have the same name (Wales. Llandudno. Llandrindod; Llandudsomethingelse, etc.)
I love my Tom-tom. You have to pay attention to where it thinks you want to go. (My husband has programmed in Leningradsky and picked Leningradsky Prospekt, not Leningradsky Shosse, which isn't as bad as confusing Leninsky for Leningradsky.)
Navigators really shine in foreign countries or places where the signage is bad (downtown Cambridge or Boston) or on ring roads where they don't put North or South, such as London's M25 or Moscow's MKAD, or where most signs do not have the Latin spelling or all the towns seem to have the same name (Wales. Llandudno. Llandrindod; Llandudsomethingelse, etc.)
"...because we were so busy sightseeing." Oh my gosh, you had me cracking up on that one! I have a Garmin so mine scolds me with that that snippy "Recalculating!" which really means, "Why did you even buy me, you dumb bitch, if you refuse to listen to me?" Good times!
Yesterday, while stopped at a red light, I watched a woman in a Toyota blow through the light and t-bone a truck that had the right-of-way. I jumped out to make sure everyone was okay (amazingly, no injuries although both cars looked totaled), and heard the woman explaining that she'd been paying attention to her GPS and didn't notice the light. I guess Jeeves forgot to tell her to stop.
A few years back I flew into DC to visit a friend and go see a concert. My net connection had died the night before so instead of using my usual method of a number of printed maps showing where I needed to be I opted to add the GPS unit at the rental car counter. At first it was great, the pleasant, female voice gave me clear directions and had me moving around Virginia like I knew where I was going. However, she had an evil streak. At some point she became frustrated with my inability to comply with her requests. She didn't seem to understand that making a left turn, into the median of the highway was probably not in anyone's best interest, including hers. I'd miss her direction, there would be that audible sigh you mentioned.. and then that awful awful word: recalculating. The night of the show we had to go pick up some more friends in DC proper and there she seemed to go completely passive-aggressive on us. She tried to get us running in circles and when we wouldn't follow her directions to the letter would announce: "signal lost". By the end of the evening we had nicknamed her the Nav-Bitch. To this day we all get a chuckle about that GPS!
Donna - Homer would be an improvement!
Buffyw - mute would be nice. no mute on ours.
Sheepdog - no "reclaculating" on ours. Jeeves just gets sulky and silent while you continue in the wrong direction waiting for him to call AAA for directions and come back and tell you what's next...
Zella - I'm just hoping someone steals my car.
dicea - ah, just come on over and we can go for a sightseeing tour with Jeeves. he yells.
JustJuli - yep, Jeeves does sigh. And he also has a little snicker in there too.
Jodi- you always crack me up.
Deborah - Jeeves has been known to have us turn left off a mountain or into the ocean now and again.
Alicia - that is exactly how I feel about cell phones. I would love to not have one.
Shiral - I think so too. At 1MPH he had lots of chances to sigh.
Stellaa - I can only imagine. The French one was scary and that was a surprise.
Malunsinka - true! the circles that the French love are awful. sometimes we would go around and around as the Tom Tom yelled at us.
Lisa - at least Jeeves doesn't say "recalculating" which is a mixed blessing. He just gets very very quiet.
grifftan - yikes! almost as dumb as the person who couldn't understand why she needed new tires because the owner's manual told her the tires were good for the life of the car.....
rapier - I am betting British Janice might be a bitch too. But I bet she might be a tad less obnoxious than Jeeves.
Buffyw - mute would be nice. no mute on ours.
Sheepdog - no "reclaculating" on ours. Jeeves just gets sulky and silent while you continue in the wrong direction waiting for him to call AAA for directions and come back and tell you what's next...
Zella - I'm just hoping someone steals my car.
dicea - ah, just come on over and we can go for a sightseeing tour with Jeeves. he yells.
JustJuli - yep, Jeeves does sigh. And he also has a little snicker in there too.
Jodi- you always crack me up.
Deborah - Jeeves has been known to have us turn left off a mountain or into the ocean now and again.
Alicia - that is exactly how I feel about cell phones. I would love to not have one.
Shiral - I think so too. At 1MPH he had lots of chances to sigh.
Stellaa - I can only imagine. The French one was scary and that was a surprise.
Malunsinka - true! the circles that the French love are awful. sometimes we would go around and around as the Tom Tom yelled at us.
Lisa - at least Jeeves doesn't say "recalculating" which is a mixed blessing. He just gets very very quiet.
grifftan - yikes! almost as dumb as the person who couldn't understand why she needed new tires because the owner's manual told her the tires were good for the life of the car.....
rapier - I am betting British Janice might be a bitch too. But I bet she might be a tad less obnoxious than Jeeves.
Sorry, but British Janice is equally as bad as Jeeves. Sometimes, often after she tells me she is "recalculating" or that I should make a legal u-turn, I fear that my wife will rip Janice out by her roots and throw her out the window. Janice unfortunately can't ask for directions either.
Our GPS came with our cell phone. My daughter and I call the voice, Mother, after the computer on the Nostromo. Most of the time she is a great help, but there are times when she loses her mind. I recently drove from Raleigh NC to Nashville TN. I was listening to an audio book and just did whatever Mother told me to do. All of a sudden I realized I was in Virginia!
Mother picked that moment to fritz out. I had to call AAA to find out where I was and what the GPS could possibly have in mind. Turned out she was directing me a little out of the way to a different interstate so I could avoid the slow mountain roads.
Alls well that ends well but I had a few panicky moments!
Mother picked that moment to fritz out. I had to call AAA to find out where I was and what the GPS could possibly have in mind. Turned out she was directing me a little out of the way to a different interstate so I could avoid the slow mountain roads.
Alls well that ends well but I had a few panicky moments!
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