JANUARY 13, 2009 4:17PM
Rate: 7
It isn't the mortgage crisis or stupidity, or even the other shady lending practices, or the idiot investments they made. Not even greed.
Nope. Not at all. It's the apparent practice of following the most idioitic Abbot & Costello pratfalls that are the undoing of our financial systems.
If Warren Buffet counted and sorted bottle caps as a kid and eventually got the answer to the universe, do you think perhaps the banks could at least sort out how many people it takes to screw up a customer's question before it actually sounds like a nursery rhyme composed by Paul Bernanke?
Let me give you an example. Online banking. It is a wonderful and innovative way to do your personal banking. It leaves you in a somewhat deluded sense of peace that you can watch your money move about to where it needs to go to keep your lights on, your phone ringing (not in my house) and pretty much a roof over your head. Two thumbs up for online banking.
That is, until you require a helpful hand from the bricks & morter Bank of Idiots, and real live people. Good luck with that. Seriously, good luck.
First, you must locate a phone number. And to do that, you have to go online and sort through various menus which all say "help" but are actually made up of something similar to a construction zone full of conflicting signs that actually detour you back to where you began.
Finally, phone number in hand, you ring them up only to be greeted by a genuinely happy to hear from you recording telling you that your call is important. Not that much though. First you have to answer a boatload of questions by either speaking or through the keypad on your telephone. I don't know about you, but the last time a computer understood my central NY accent was next to never. Going with the kep pad, I try for the lucky number zero thinking I will get a human. Guess they anticipated that because next thing you know, anyone pressing zero is back at the beginning.
After five minutes of retched key punching I get the final recording, the one barrier left before I am lucky enough to talk to a human. And it tells me I will have to wait 9 more minutes for that privilege.
I wait. After all, I came this far. Eventually a very nice 12 year old answers the phone smacking her gum and cheerfully announcing that she is here to help me. I explain my simple dilema. I ordered checks online, and forgot to put in the right starting number, so I did it again, and want to cancel the first order and there was no mechanism to do it online.
"Oooooohhh", she says, snap snap. "Ummmm. I don't think I can help you with that because that is not my department, snap snap."
Pause.
Me. "How do I cancel the first order?"
Snap. "Not sure" snap snap.
Me. Sigh.
Snap. "Your order won't show up until tomorrow and you have to talk to the check order department. Snap. They can cancel it for you."
Me. "Tomorrow?" (Thinking of the being on hold half the day...)
Snap. "Sure thing. Call them tomorrow. Anything else Bank Of Idiots can do for you today?" Snap.
Me. Kill me now? "No, thanks though."
I have to put a giant post it note to remind myself to call the bank the next day on the monitor otherwise I will forget. On purpose. Now it is the principle of the thing, and not the measley $8, although I am really trying to not spend money stupidly. And this counts as stupid 2x.
I wait until just before noon thinking that the order should show up by now. I am so much ahead anyway because I at least have the phone number in hand. Too bad it's the wrong one today.
Ring. This time I use my best flat twang and ask for AGENT, which yields another series of questions from the computer voice. Who said these computer voices don't have a brain? They seem to work for the bank and earn their keep.
Eventually a real person gets on the phone and I explain once again. This time I got someone who might have been 14 years old.
"Oh dear. You have to talk to the check order department and they can cancel the order for you. Hold please."
Me. (talking to a dial tone) "Wait! This is the number they gave me for check ordering!" (Like the dial tone cared)
Ring ring. Yell. "Bank of Idiots, how may I help you?!"
Me. (Oh goody, an enthusiastic 16 year old!). I tell my story again. Then silence.
"Account number. Mother's maiden name. Last 12 digits of your social security number. Your passport number. Your weight. Your dog's weight. Thank you. How can I help you?"
Me. "You already asked me that and I told you."
"That was before I verified your identify. Now I am free to listen to what you want. So how can I be of service?"
Me. Oh oh. 16 year old with hall monitor complex. (shoot me?) "Blah blah blah blah blah?"
"I'm not showing any check orders. Did you do it online? Did you hit submit? Are you an idiot? Did you do it yesterday? Oh dear, yesterday?"
Me. "Yesterday. And they told me to wait and call today because it wouldn't show up until today."
Sighs like a 16 year old which is more like a shrug-frump. "Well it isn't here so I can't cancel it. It might be here around 5PM. But if you didn't do it right, it won't be here at all. Call back at 5PM."
Me. "What?! You guys told me to call today. Now I have to call back again. Is there a direct number to call?"
Shrump. "Yes, it's blah blah blah."
Me. "But that is the same main number that takes forever to get to you through another person."
Shrump more. "It is our number. And anyway, if you didn't make the order today, I can't cancel it anyway. We can only cancel the order on the same day it is made. And you have an account that makes your checks free so why do you care? You don't have to pay for it."
Me. (trying to stay sane although my head just spun in a circle) "What? You just told me to call at 5 to see if the order showed up so you can cancel one of them. Now you are telling me even if they both show up you can't cancel them? And they aren't free, I have to pay shipping!"
Double shrump. "If you checked fast shipping, then you have to pay, but there is a free shipping choice, but you have to click it. (shrump) Anything else Bank of Idiots can help you with today?" You have a really really good day now." click.
Me. Silence.
So seriously. If the banks are failing at helping a stupid customer fix a simple check order snafu, they can hardly be expected to manage the big stuff.
Or maybe we had it all wrong, and check ordering finance was the most difficult banking task for them.
How many trillion?
Nope. Not at all. It's the apparent practice of following the most idioitic Abbot & Costello pratfalls that are the undoing of our financial systems.
If Warren Buffet counted and sorted bottle caps as a kid and eventually got the answer to the universe, do you think perhaps the banks could at least sort out how many people it takes to screw up a customer's question before it actually sounds like a nursery rhyme composed by Paul Bernanke?
Let me give you an example. Online banking. It is a wonderful and innovative way to do your personal banking. It leaves you in a somewhat deluded sense of peace that you can watch your money move about to where it needs to go to keep your lights on, your phone ringing (not in my house) and pretty much a roof over your head. Two thumbs up for online banking.
That is, until you require a helpful hand from the bricks & morter Bank of Idiots, and real live people. Good luck with that. Seriously, good luck.
First, you must locate a phone number. And to do that, you have to go online and sort through various menus which all say "help" but are actually made up of something similar to a construction zone full of conflicting signs that actually detour you back to where you began.
Finally, phone number in hand, you ring them up only to be greeted by a genuinely happy to hear from you recording telling you that your call is important. Not that much though. First you have to answer a boatload of questions by either speaking or through the keypad on your telephone. I don't know about you, but the last time a computer understood my central NY accent was next to never. Going with the kep pad, I try for the lucky number zero thinking I will get a human. Guess they anticipated that because next thing you know, anyone pressing zero is back at the beginning.
After five minutes of retched key punching I get the final recording, the one barrier left before I am lucky enough to talk to a human. And it tells me I will have to wait 9 more minutes for that privilege.
I wait. After all, I came this far. Eventually a very nice 12 year old answers the phone smacking her gum and cheerfully announcing that she is here to help me. I explain my simple dilema. I ordered checks online, and forgot to put in the right starting number, so I did it again, and want to cancel the first order and there was no mechanism to do it online.
"Oooooohhh", she says, snap snap. "Ummmm. I don't think I can help you with that because that is not my department, snap snap."
Pause.
Me. "How do I cancel the first order?"
Snap. "Not sure" snap snap.
Me. Sigh.
Snap. "Your order won't show up until tomorrow and you have to talk to the check order department. Snap. They can cancel it for you."
Me. "Tomorrow?" (Thinking of the being on hold half the day...)
Snap. "Sure thing. Call them tomorrow. Anything else Bank Of Idiots can do for you today?" Snap.
Me. Kill me now? "No, thanks though."
I have to put a giant post it note to remind myself to call the bank the next day on the monitor otherwise I will forget. On purpose. Now it is the principle of the thing, and not the measley $8, although I am really trying to not spend money stupidly. And this counts as stupid 2x.
I wait until just before noon thinking that the order should show up by now. I am so much ahead anyway because I at least have the phone number in hand. Too bad it's the wrong one today.
Ring. This time I use my best flat twang and ask for AGENT, which yields another series of questions from the computer voice. Who said these computer voices don't have a brain? They seem to work for the bank and earn their keep.
Eventually a real person gets on the phone and I explain once again. This time I got someone who might have been 14 years old.
"Oh dear. You have to talk to the check order department and they can cancel the order for you. Hold please."
Me. (talking to a dial tone) "Wait! This is the number they gave me for check ordering!" (Like the dial tone cared)
Ring ring. Yell. "Bank of Idiots, how may I help you?!"
Me. (Oh goody, an enthusiastic 16 year old!). I tell my story again. Then silence.
"Account number. Mother's maiden name. Last 12 digits of your social security number. Your passport number. Your weight. Your dog's weight. Thank you. How can I help you?"
Me. "You already asked me that and I told you."
"That was before I verified your identify. Now I am free to listen to what you want. So how can I be of service?"
Me. Oh oh. 16 year old with hall monitor complex. (shoot me?) "Blah blah blah blah blah?"
"I'm not showing any check orders. Did you do it online? Did you hit submit? Are you an idiot? Did you do it yesterday? Oh dear, yesterday?"
Me. "Yesterday. And they told me to wait and call today because it wouldn't show up until today."
Sighs like a 16 year old which is more like a shrug-frump. "Well it isn't here so I can't cancel it. It might be here around 5PM. But if you didn't do it right, it won't be here at all. Call back at 5PM."
Me. "What?! You guys told me to call today. Now I have to call back again. Is there a direct number to call?"
Shrump. "Yes, it's blah blah blah."
Me. "But that is the same main number that takes forever to get to you through another person."
Shrump more. "It is our number. And anyway, if you didn't make the order today, I can't cancel it anyway. We can only cancel the order on the same day it is made. And you have an account that makes your checks free so why do you care? You don't have to pay for it."
Me. (trying to stay sane although my head just spun in a circle) "What? You just told me to call at 5 to see if the order showed up so you can cancel one of them. Now you are telling me even if they both show up you can't cancel them? And they aren't free, I have to pay shipping!"
Double shrump. "If you checked fast shipping, then you have to pay, but there is a free shipping choice, but you have to click it. (shrump) Anything else Bank of Idiots can help you with today?" You have a really really good day now." click.
Me. Silence.
So seriously. If the banks are failing at helping a stupid customer fix a simple check order snafu, they can hardly be expected to manage the big stuff.
Or maybe we had it all wrong, and check ordering finance was the most difficult banking task for them.
How many trillion?
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Comments
I just made chocolate cupcakes. Anyone (not you bank) want one?
I hate to say this, but ... you just have to yell at people. Even if it doesn't work, you'll feel better.
Okay, no, just kidding. It's frustrating, isn't it?
Okay, no, just kidding. It's frustrating, isn't it?
yeah, it is. but it is symptom of a bigger malaise with the banks. so silly.
That was hillarious! I do online banking, and I need to call them about a charge that was done on the boys acounts, but of course I try to inquire online thru the customer service, yet, they are unable to help me. I have to call some number durring such and such hours. Don't they realize that I preform my banking duties at 3 am? I have a life otherwise, and do not have the ability to stay on hold, of course I could do it while driving, but it is really hard to pay attentio to the prompts while you are driving, and they never understand wha I say due to the east coast influance in my voice inflection.
I am at Barnes and Noble atempting to study cause the house is crazy a usual, and I was laughing out loud....the guy next to me threatened to call my husband and bring back my kids if I didn't get started on my homework again. :) The boys were thoughtful and stopped by to give me a kiss. :)
I am at Barnes and Noble atempting to study cause the house is crazy a usual, and I was laughing out loud....the guy next to me threatened to call my husband and bring back my kids if I didn't get started on my homework again. :) The boys were thoughtful and stopped by to give me a kiss. :)
Talking to the self-involved 14-year-0lds just puts me in a bad mood, so I go to the bank and do the walk-in thing and talk to someone who can actually get something done. I try to scope out who's sitting at the customer service desks and choose one that looks older than 25 so I can keep my sanity.
I am groaning right along with you! I was just complaining about how customer service in general seems to be non-existent. Their only goal is to get you off the phone, NOW, even if they have to lie to you.
Does your bank charge you to talk to a live person? I actually had a bank that did. I switched to a different one (different set of idiots!)
Yum, chocolate cupcakes...
Does your bank charge you to talk to a live person? I actually had a bank that did. I switched to a different one (different set of idiots!)
Yum, chocolate cupcakes...
ooo, I'd fire that bank. Can you go in person and rant at a manager?
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